Too Alone? (Sorting Through the Sadness) — Who but You? living alone series

Photo credit:  ka (2013)
Cadillac Ranch tourists & cars from a distance.  Amarillo, TX.  Photo credit: ka (2013)

Hopping onto my old bike the other day, I pedaled around Albuquerque for nearly two hours. Found books in a giveaway box. Kept some, delivered some to a Free Little Library (Take a Book, Leave a Book) around the corner. Breathed in the high desert morning air. Watched walkers and car drivers and fellow bicyclists. Enjoyed my own company.

Then, later that day, I had a lunch visit with a friend. But, afterwards, as we were saying our good-byes, I felt the sadness of detachment and the lurking darkness of The Blues. Feelings of loneliness have been blanketing my heart this past month more often than usual, and I am trying to figure out why.

It seems the older I grow, the more I prefer to be quiet and alone when I exercise, explore, cook, create. Have I been spending too much time alone?

How, then, do I strike a balance between the replenishment I receive from solitude, and the connections I crave with other humans?

Saying goodbye to my friend after that lunch, I felt heaviness, but a stirring of this heaviness, at the top of my chest, where my sternum approaches my neck. It was as though the sadness was leaving my heart, and it was ready to attach itself to words leaving my mouth:

Can I come with you?

I wanted to say it, I nearly did, but I didn’t because I knew he had a busy afternoon planned.

We parted ways and I walked home to my empty apartment.

Not just him – everyone is occupied. We’re all working and recovering in various ways. Friends are building foundations or tearing them down. Family members are far away and busy. And here I am with my own life to tend to, my own dreams to fuel. The great world keeps spinning.

I don’t need to change these realities and I don’t necessarily want to banish my sadness. I would like to keep asking questions and learning:

What would have happened if I’d admitted to my friend how lonely I felt that day?

How often should I be silent and brave in my solitude?

–ka
August 2015

Photo credit:  ka (2013)
Art after a summer rainstorm.  Photo credit: ka (2013)

This is part of the Who but You? living alone series.  Check out the other posts under that category’s name!

~~Join~~ the Who but You? project:  e-mail your story, prose, poetry, art and/or photos about living alone to powerofpaperzines@gmail.com for consideration. All ages, all countries/cities, all solo living situations – from temporary & despised, to permanent & treasured – would be appreciated.

In addition to your story/art, please include:

  • a brief Bio with an associated profile photo
  • 1–4 photos additional photos with photo credits
  • your fake (pen) name or real name

For more information:  https://whobutyouproject.wordpress.com/who-but-you-series/.

❤ Thank you for taking the time to view the works of independent storytellers, poets and artists. ❤

–ka

4 Comments Add yours

  1. I am honored by your courage and vulnerability and share your sense of unsureness around if, when and how to presence such feelings. For me I don’t want to come across as fragile or broken, just having needs and wanting support. Tough in a world that tells us to do so is weak and people might/will/do reject us, sexist stereotypes about women — especially lonely 40 somethings — notwithstanding.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Kim says:

      Your comment is reassuring and so true! Many forces are at work when I feel unsure about sharing my truth with friends — especially with male friends (and female friends with whom I’m more “on guard”). But, I don’t want these feelings or me or US to be hidden and silent! Woo man, it’s not easy but I’ll keep working on this… so grateful you’re in my circle of gifts!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. painkills2 says:

    You live in the Q? Me, too. I love it here. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Kim says:

      Yes, I’m here! It’s a magical place for sure.

      Liked by 1 person

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